taking it out on him - i feel so bad, but don't know what to do

jolene555 wrote: Let me just mention that I am 21. I was the first of any of my close friends to have a serious relationship, and by far the first to have a baby. I should also mention that nearly all of my friends are currently college students. I, on the other hand, am a SAHM Now, that being said, I believe it is also safe to say that these days I feel pretty lonely.

It seems as though everyone has left me behind. They're all out partying, doing whatever they want. I don't blame them for anything. They even call me every once in a while, not that I have anything remotely interesting to talk about. There's a local Baby Play group down the road, but I really detest it - it's very cliquey, and those who aren't in the clique don't appear to speak english.

So, tonight, Barry calls up an old friend of his and they immediately made plans to play Risk tonight at some other location and get intoxicated. It made me so mad! I really shouldn't be, but I'm so bitter with him. Why is it so easy for him? Why is it that I have to work so damn hard just to have someone to call from time to time, and he's got all these buddies lined up? I don't think it's fair that I seem to be bearing the sum of the antisocial burden of having a child. I want a life!

I got into a discussion with him and was making excuses as to why I didn't want him to go out tonight. I wasn't about to just scream "but it's not fair!" and storm away. He didn't buy it and so he left. So it's another night by myself.

We are moving back to my hometown at the end of December, and I think I will feel better there. At least I know folks there. I also go back to school, so there is befriendment potentiel there, as well. I need to badly to rise from this rut.

MomToMany replied: Oh, I know how you feel! I get so lonely sometimes, as I have no friends IRL either. This board has saved my sanity countless times, LOL.

I hope once you move, you're able to find plenty of friends in your hometown. Once you go back to school, you will probably meet other young moms who are looking for friends just like you.

Good luck!

redchief replied: This is another one of those unfair things that's probably going to get me in a world of **it but, here goes.

You are describing one of the very common situations a young couple find themselves in. The guy generally doesn't have to rework his entire lifestyle to make room for baby. Sure the child takes a little more of his time, but it really doesn't amount to a huge lifestyle change for the most part. Moms on the other hand, have to change their whole lives to revolve around the little addition. This often means alienation from long time friends. Females who aren't parents are more like guys in that they don't have anything tying them home, and often feel uncomfortable being with new moms.

It's a tough but all too common situation. Sorry you're going through it!

~Roo'sMama~ replied: I used to have the same problem, only in reverse. All my friends, and my sister who has been like a best friend were getting married and having babies or already had tons of kids and sometimes I would feel so left out and lonely. All my mommy friends had a common reason to get together - and even when I would hang out with them I sometimes felt too out of place. So I kind of know how you feel - I know it's not exactly the same. I'm sorry you're having a hard time! I hope that once you move it gets better. And I hope your DH realizes that you need him at home to keep you company sometimes!

MommyToAshley replied: I am sorry, but I know how you feel... a lot of my friendships dwindled off when I got married. For some reason, men don't seem to have the same problem... I agree, it's not fair. I would try talking to your DH again. Maybe you can plan some couple things with another couple (if any of his friends are married.

Josie83 replied: I'm sorry to hear this Jo, to an extent I know how you feel. I'm only 21 too and obviously I was only 18 when I had Cassie . . . a lot of ppl just weren't interested any more. You definitely find out who your real friends are. Like the others said I really hope that you find some friends when you move. Maybe you should have a talk with Barry and let him know he's upsetting you? Believe me though i know what its like to be a young mum, it can be very lonely, so any time you need to talk please feel free to pm me! xx

kit_kats_mom replied: Shoot, I was 32 when I had DD and I still don't have many IRL friends that I can just call up to chat with, except for a mom that I met on the board, an old HS friend who is in Seattle and just had a baby, and a wife of one of DH's friends who's a mom.

Most of my friends just sort of quit responding to emails and calls. I wanted to scream "It's not like I have the plague...I had a baby!!!". I figure that once they start having babies, I'll be the star who gets tons of calls and emails because I know what I'm doing. LOL I've not yet decided weather or not I'll respond <Evil laugh>

I'm not really a "girly" social person though. I don't really like shopping, not really into fashion, design etc. My interests tend towards the more simple and boring. I have never really gotten along well with most women. The majority of my friends growing up were men. Plus, I really am awful at small talk and feigning interest in things that I couldn't care less about...I just get this glazed, super bored look, that people seem to find un-approachable. LOL That makes it really hard to just start chatting up strangers in playgroups or at the park.

I figure I'll just keep being a hermit and enjoy my dates with DH.

Boys r us replied: I want to show you a flip side of this...and I'm not implying this is you..but on the fluke chance it is..I wanted to share this!

I have a friend who for 30 years, was single and free..we used to have the time of our lives going out together! Well, we've been friends for 10 years...after I had Tanner, things changed for about 6 mnths and then my parents sat me down one night and said.."Nichole, you need to get out of the house and go out..have fun..one day this little baby that you're devoting your whole life to will be 13 yrs old and he won't want to spend every waking moment with you and then you will be devastated sitting at home alone, with no friends or company b/c you've let all of your friendships go by the wayside." So that knocked a little sense into me and I picked up my friendships again and I've enjoyed them ever since..Well this friend I speak of, she recently had twins..well I've done my part in trying to get her out of the house and more than my fair share of work in keeping the friendship alive..but I can't do it on my own. She acts as though she's the only person in the world with two kids. I've even gone as far as hiring a babysitter for her so she can get out..she still doesn't want to go out...All of our friends go out of our way to keep our friendship with her going...but it's becoming a tiresome effort with little results...I can see all of us sort of moving along now and not putting forth that same kind of effort anymore.

my point? all parties involved are responsible for freindships not staying alive...you have to do your part too!! Get your Dh to babysit and go out with the girls..make it happen..don't wait for them to make it happen, b/c they probably don't have a clue as to how to go about it, they don't have kids.

Good Luck and if your friendships that are lacking are true friendships, they can EASILY be rekindled!! (((hugs)))

coasterqueen replied:
I'm just like Cary. I got along with men so much easier growing up and lost a ton of my "friends" when I got married. My part is that most of my friends are also DH's. So they'll do things with him but not me. Dh keeps saying "well why don't you go out with them and I'll stay home with Kylie"....which is very very sweet of him but I'm different than most. I like have a group of friends WITH my DH. I'm not much into having personal relationships with people...I just don't keep up with them. I have one close girlfriend but we honestly are in two different worlds now that I have kids and she doesn't. I just feel it's too much effort to keep up with the relationship and don't.

Sure I miss going out and partying...probably moreso than just hanging out with friends....but I knew what I was going to give up having Kylie...at least giving it up for awhile that is...I just try to look forward years later when I can develop an exciting lifestyle with my friends again...although they'll probably be having kids by that point.

Just talk to him and tell him how you feel.

Littlejojames replied: I know what your going through.

All my friends have up and gone they dont want to know me now unless im helping them out with something.....

My best mate since school has not spoke to me since i told her i was pregnant the only time she gets in touch is when she has a fall out with her fella and the rest are all out clubbing every night so they dont want a pregnant girl tagging along who cant drink spoiling there fun.
The majority of my friends were lads groing up i seemed to get on with them easier as the girls where im from are really bitchy and think that they are better then everyone else which makes me so angry..
Its so upsetting as it makes you think that there is only you from now on.
Thats why i like this board as its people who are going through things which you are and you never feel alone.

As for the men in our lifes craig sometimes does not hear from his mates in ages we make plans for a speical night together his mates get in-touch and im dropped....

Just talk to him about things and see how it goes from there on

GOOD LUCK

Maddie&EthansMom replied: IMO you need to get a sitter and you guys need to go out together. He doesn't need to go out alone. You are right, it isn't fair for you to sit there with no one....especially when he could be sitting there with you!! I hate when guys do this.

I was in the same shoes as you after I had Maddie. I didn't have anyone and when we went out with friends (together) I was stuck taking care of the baby and I was the one missing the movie b/c I had a cry baby and I was the one who ate cold meals. My DH insisted we take her everywhere with us. Wherever we go...she will go. So, finally I just handed her over and said "She is yours tonight. I will enjoy the movie and I will enjoy my meal while it is warm!!" So, the next time we went out my parents watched her.

I know right now a sitter is not affordable for you guys. I think it will be tons better when you move back home. I'm so sorry you are having a hard time right now. It will get better. Make plans to go out with your friends next weekend and leave Barry at home.

jcc64 replied: Well, I was 27 when I had my 1st, but I was the only one of a large circle of friends I've had since high school to have kids for upwards of 8 years. I felt incredibly left out. They didn't deliberately exclude me, we still kept in touch, but their socializing continued to revolve around activities that were not so child friendly. They hadn't changed- I had. Honestly, we did drift for awhile, but I worked hard to stay part of the group. I had most of the parties at my house so I could hang out in a child-proofed place and easily put the babies to bed. I brought the kids to their houses too, and while I couldn't stay up all night like they could, I put in a pretty good effort Eventually, they caught up with me and started having kids of their own. Well, you'd think no one ever maintained a social life and a family simultaneously before. To this day, many of them can't understand how I managed to do both. To which I would reply- if it's important enough to you, you'll find a way to make it work. If you think these friendships are worth salvaging, I agree with Nichole that you really need to put in the effort. Work out some sort of deal with dh. He goes out and plays with his boys one night, you do your thing another night. The one thing I would NOT do is prevent him from maintaining his friendships outside of the marriage. It isn't fair to isolate him from his buddies simply b/c you're jealous. Trust me, in the end he'll resent you and it'll blow up in your face.
And btw, Cary, yet another thing we have in common. I get along MUCH better with guys as well. In college, my roommates were all guys, save one very high maintainence female.

My2Beauties replied: I don't know if you were a member when I posted a similar vent, and I just postd one about Brian going out the other day, but I was in a bad mood!!!! I am sort of jealous myself and not of him going out to meet girls or something stupid because I trust him completely but jealous that his friends do everything to get together and go out, while mine I practically have to beg to go out for one night maybe once every 2 months! We used to party constantly but they are stuck in mommy town and never let their kids hardly stay with anyone...me, I have to keep my sanity! Brian does make an effort to go out with me too, and this is what Barry needs to do. Also do him the way he did you, it's only fair right Hand over the baby and say I'm going out with the girls tonight, see you in the AM!! My problem is that I will go out with girlfriends but they just don't want to go! I make all kinds of efforts to go out with them.

Gatalita replied: I know how you feel... I really do. I moved into a completely different city than all of my friends and they are also buisy w/ partying etc. that they don't even come by and visit me anymore. On the other hand, DH doesn't have many friends either. But, when he did I was pissed b/c it seemed that all the time he was spending time w/ his friends and I wasn't "allowed" to spend time w/ mine. B/c I could have gone to my home town and spend time w/ them when they were in town. However, I feel ya girlly. I hope things get better for you.

GavinsMommy replied: I know how you feel Hubbie sees his friends quite a bit compared to me seeing NONE of my friends since we got together. Since we met, I've been back and forth between Columbia and Atlanta, and now that I live in Georgia...I don't know ANYONE! My friends still call me...the ones that I have given the number to...but it's just not the same, KWIM?

It's hard being away from home and all. I am 18 so I am in your age range and I know that it's hard to relate to friends or potential friends. They just don't understand.

You have to remember though that YOU have a life. If they are all out drinking and partying, what kind of life is that? You have a beautiful baby that loves you more than anything just because you are mommy!

I know it seems weird since you are so young, but you should really look into getting some different friends. It's hard to make friends when you are out of your hometown and have a baby, but you should really look into finding another playgroup or something. All of my girl friends here are married mothers. I find even though some of them might be older than me, we have a lot more to talk about...and I enjoy them more actually. They have substance! Not just...Let's go drink...but...they'll be interested in YOU and your baby and your life a lot more.

I hope you can make some new friends...*crosses fingers*