vent - probably long

sunshine girls wrote: Well, yesterday I was feeling pretty down but I felt better than I had since the 11th. My friend invited me over to her house for a coffee and a chat, and I was happy that we'd have some time alone because her hubby took Elle, Gwen and their daughter to the park.
Anne and I were talking and I was telling her about Navi and she was like the first one of my friend's I've really had a deep and meaningful with about Navi. I talked for ages and then Anne asked would there have been anything wrong with Navi if she survived. I told her that there was a chance she could've had brain damage. That was a hard topic for me to discuss, and I was feeling really good talking about it with Anne because she was being so nice. But then she told me that I was kind of lucky because who wants to raise a brain damaged child? I was so shocked but I couldn't say anything. I would love to have Navi here right now, I wouldn't have cared if she was brain damaged. Wouldn't anyone rather have there child, even if they were brain damaged, than lose it? I took the girls home as soon as they got back from the park and got in the shower and cried so much, I just couldn't believe it. Then I got really angry and spent ages sitting in the shower thinking about how I'm going to spend the rest of my life wondering what Navi would've been like and everything she missed out on. I was so angry, Anne's all being really nice to me now but in a few weeks all my friends will be over it and I have this pain for the rest of my life. Then I felt so bad that I was thinking all these horrible things, and I snapped at Gwen, dh tried to hug me when we went to bed and I pushed him away, I dont even know why...I can't sleep at all. Gwen went into Navi's room and she took a pink teddy bear and when I saw her with it I yelled at her and told her never to go into Navi's room again. I got so angry at her for touching the teddy bear when it's Navi's, but I know I shouldn't have.
Plus dh's sister came over today, and I hear dh and her talking in the kitchen about me. dh was saying that he doesn't know me anymore and the girls don't know what happened to there mommy

I've just turned so angry in the past 24hours, angrier than I was before. But I get really angry and then I regret everything that I've thought.....
the worst thing though is I feel like it's my fault, I feel like when I was having Navi I caused her to die. Then I think no I didn't, but then I just feel like it has to be my fault.

thanks for letting me vent about everything...

sunshine girls replied: Elle got up before to tinkle and came into the study to see what I was doing and say hello...then she went to go back to bed but came running back in, told me to lean down and she grabbed my face and smooched me, said I love you and went back to bed...

I felt so happy I cried happy tears

MyBrownEyedBoy replied: Honey, I am truly sorry. Sometimes people say thoughtless and insensitive things without thinking them through. I am sure she meant well and she may feel that way, but you are the one going through this and you can feel anyway you want. I am glad you got kisses and hugs from Elle. Hugs from me too.

sunshine girls replied: wow Im surprised you managed to read all my ramblings...
thank you...

aspenblue1 replied: I am so sorry. I bet she didn't know what to say so just said something to try to make you feel better. I can see how hurtful that would be.

I hoped the kisses and hugs from Elle helped.

gr33n3y3z replied: It will be a hard road for you
And just remember everyone in the house is feeling just like you are

I dont think your friend ment to hurt you like she did

Just remember your family and friends love you so much
(((( Hugs ))))

sunshine girls replied: Thank's you guy's. I know she didn't mean it in a bad way, at least I hope she didn't.
Hugs and kisses from Elle did help. I feel blessed that I have Elle and Gwen, because if I didn't I think I would've gone crazy. I think Elle understand's more than Gwen whats happened, Gwen just knows Navi died but she's more innocent to it than Elle. Elle hasn't been mentioning it, but Gwen just talks about it without knowing. She suggested I get "a wittle fishy" to feel better.
I feel bad that I havn't been paying enough attention to the girls, I spend heaps of time with them but I'm distracted and they notice it I think. Gwen likes not having her bed made or getting a bath every night, but I cried when Elle told me her blankets fell off in the middle of the night and she got cold.
Then again, I cry about everything these days. I cried when I couldn't open the jar of pickles, and I was crying a few hours later when they didn't have my favourite flowers at the florist...
Thanks for letting me talk about everything....it helps just getting it out

MM'sMama replied: Honey I am so sorry for you loss and I know this must be so hard for you we are all here for you. Sometime when people are trying to find what they think is the right thing to say to help in some way. It comes out wrong and turns out nto to be the right thing. I am sure she never meant to say something she thought would hurt you or make you sad. And I know that Gwen and Elle and Dh all know you love them very much. Keep your chin up honey and feel free to PM me anytime if you need anything or if you just need to yell and vert at someone or anything at all.

Maddie&EthansMom replied: I'm so sorry. I know you wanted to be with your friend so you could talk, share your feelings and try to clear your head of what happened. I'm sorry she was insensitive, but I'm sure she meant well. You are very fragile and sensitive right now. In time that may pass. Hang in there honey.

sunshine girls replied:
thank you's..

Aimee you made me giggle for the first time in ages. You didn't mean to but 'in time that may pass' made me suddenly think of me staying this way for years and crying over the pickles when I'm 60....
I don't know why I thought that or why it struck me as funny Thank you for saying it though, it's made my day a bit brighter...I'm going to have to love you forever and ever now

Maddie&EthansMom replied: I'm glad I could be the one to make you laugh. And it is good to see you getting your sense of humor back some.

sunshine girls replied: I think I might start a journal or something, I keep wanting to write everything down here so I may as well write it on paper.
But aside from that bit of information I wanted to tell you all that I made the beds for the first time in just over 2 weeks. And I put a load of laundry on, put the dishes in the dish washer and vacuumed...I didn't cry the whole time and I think that's the longest I've gone with out shedding a tear. I'm all alone again today and I feel so proud of myself for doing all these things. I have to go and get some cream or something for my eyes because I have a rash from crying so much I think, and I'm going to go and buy flowers and visit Navi. I guess I'll talk to her for awhile and maybe just sit...I havn't been yet but today just seems like a good day, I'm feeling okay.
I think I might buy a fish to, like Gwen said, but not for myself. I know Gwen secretly wants one, and I havn't been a good mom lately. I probably won't be the same mom for a while...I'll buy one for Elle too, I'll just pick the ugliest fish because she like's ugly fish...
I know tomorrow I'll probably feel terrible, today I feel terrible but it's a better terrible than yesterday. Hopefully I can find some fish for the girls, and some nice flowers for Navi. Plus I'll see if I can get a journal....

anyway I thought I'd share, thanks for listening...now I'll go spend the day with Navi

A&A'smommy replied: ((((((BIG HUGS))))))) Honey I cannot possibly amagine what you must be going through and to be angry I think I would be too!!! Its not your fault sometimes these things happen and we may never know why but know that God will be there for you if you ask him to and know that she is a beautiful angel in heaven with him and she is happy watching her beautiful mommy and sisters!!! I will keep you guys in my P&PT"s!!!!

Mommy2BAK replied: Oh hun. I cannot even begin to imagine the pain you are feeling right now. I know only in time will you begin to get your life back in order, I think everyone can understand that you have had to put your life on pause for a while. You are grieving, and that is normal, as a mother you will probably grieve more than anyone else, and thats okay. We are here for you 24-7, and you can PM me at any time to talk. I hope you have a better day today, just take i t one day at a time, don't over do yourself.

amymom replied: Take care of yourself.

I think your friend was trying to say something comforting, but noone says the right thing in these circumstances.

StephaniesMom replied: Oh, I feel sooo bad for you. I agree with other posters and bet she didn't mean it. Anyway, hugs go out to you!!!

moxee24 replied: I remember when I lost my first DS. All I wanted to do was cry all the time and sleep , seemed like the only thing that would take the pain away was to be asleep (and that was hard to do because i couldn't stop thinking about the "what if's"). I didn't want to see ANYONE, the only people i would see was my DH and my Parents. They lost my little sister 16 yrs to the day that i lost my DS, so i knew that they understood what I was going through. Even that was hard to do. Finally i started to talk to friends, but it didn't help because they hadn't been through it so they didn't understand. They all meant well but still... It will get easier with time, it never goes away but you just have to focus on one day at a time right now and not worry about what you are going to feel tomorrow or the next day. And make sure you take care of those little girls who love you so much and your DH, you may feel like he doesn't understand but he is greiving in his own way and you need to be there for each other, if only to be able to hold each others hand at night... if you ever need to talk you can either email or pm me. I am always around. P&PT and bunches and bunches of hugs

DblTblDad replied: I'm sorry to hear about your little one. I can't believe she would be so insensitive! Parents deal with the cards they are dealt, and any parent would choose life!

sunshine girls replied: thanks everyone I love you all

CantWait replied: I'm so sorry hon. I'm sure you're friend didn't mean to be so inconsiderate or hurtful with her words. Times like this it's just hard to know what to say and say the right thing. You're feeling of anger will soon subside, it's just part of the grieving process, and you should be allowed to feel angry for a bit. Don't hate yourself for that. I hope you're feeling better soon

amynicole21 replied: I'm so, so sorry. My heart just aches to read what you are enduring with such strength. No one knows what it is like to lose a child unless they've been through it. I'm sure Anne didn't think about how her words would affect you. I wish I could offer you real hugs.

Please look into grief counseling very soon. You need someone to help you sort through your feelings.