what to do?

PrairieMom wrote: Ben's birthday party is this saturday, and he has invited 3 friends, so I bought 4 goodie bags, One for each kid (and ben) now one of the boy's mothers has said that she will be bringing the 5 year old sister along. I didn't invite her, I guess I didn't specifically say no siblings, but I think that should go without saying. ANYWAY, I don't have a goodie bag for her. I ordered the stuff off the internet, so I don't have time to get another one. I want to be fair to all the children, but I didn't invite this kid. What would you do?

Our Lil' Family replied: I wouldn't worry about it...it's a boy party anyway, she probably won't want a boy goodie bag!

redplaydoh replied: I think she'd feel left out, at least err on the premise that she might. I'd get a few girlie things and make her a gift bag. After all she's only 5 and probably wouldn't understand. I would make a little statement when you hand out the bags that you didn't know she was coming and the treats were ordered from the internet and that's why she gets a special bag. I'd make sure that her mom was there to hear it too.

Mommy2BAK replied: I'm not sure.... thats a tough one. I'd think since she is so much older than it wouldn't be a big deal if she didn't get one.

ETA: sorry I didn't realize how old your son was, I guess the little girl is only a year older?? Then I'd make sure I had something little for her, just incase the situation obligates you to give her something as well.

PrairieMom replied:
What a PITA. this mom is a PITA in general. her son is ben's best little friend tho, they are joined at he hip at school. Thankfully they are in different classes next year, and I hopefully won't have to deal with these people after this weekend.

kimberley replied: personally, i'd give her the 4th bag. it's not her fault her mother has no manners. then i'd just take Ben on a dollar store shopping trip.

stella6979 replied:
I agree.

PrairieMom replied:
I would too, but he helped me make the bags, and is SUPER excited about them. I don't think it would be fair to take that away from him because this other lady is an idiot. OOHH she frustrates me!

kimberley replied: i understand your frustration, btdt, but as i said, it is not this little gir's fault her mom is an idiot, so i'd offer her the bag and let her refuse if she didn't want it. i wouldn't let her be left out. and as for Ben, as easily you could get him excited about loot bags, i am sure you could get him even more excited about picking out his own gifts at the dollar store. kids are highly suggestable

cameragirl21 replied: ok, be forewarned that my advice probably won't be too popular here but here goes....
i personally, while i hate confrontations, would be honest with the mother and say that it's a small intimate party for your son and his 3 friends and that you already pre-ordered gift bags and other things (no need to go into detail on this one) and that you just don't have enough supplies, games, etc for another guest. i feel she is essentially using you as free babysitting for her other child which is understandable but is IMO not proper or fair to you OR Ben who did NOT invite this girl to his party. this is clearly a little boys' party that will either bore the girl OR you now have to tailor it to include her which is not fair to do last minute.
personally, i'd be honest with the mom but not rude, in fact, i'd send her an email so that you can carefully plan out what you're going to say and so that it's not rude but is to the point and simply say that you'd love to accomodate both of her kids but that it's a small party for your son and a few of his friends and that you're very sorry but there is just no way you can have anymore children than those whom you invited and that you'd love to have her and both her kids over for lunch, a playdate or whatever else another time.
this is of course JMO and i'm sure few people will agree with me but i feel that kids should not be taught from a young age to invite themselves to parties they were not invited to or to tag along with other siblings so that Mom can have a break that she does deserve but not at your expense and also i don't think other moms should come to expect this of you which they probably will if you start to cave at times like this. i also think it's just plain rude to TELL you, not ASK you if it's ok to bring another child who was NOT on the invite. idk, i've had lots of parties as a kid and have thrown lots of parties for kids and i've never had a parent send along a kid that wasn't invited, this is the kind of thing that would make Miss Manners clutch her heart in pain and distress....

Boo&BugsMom replied: I don't know about anyone else but when Tanner has a party I do not give him one of his goodie bags. For a couple reasons...it teaches him about giving (I have him hand them out at the end of the party), and since he is getting other presents from his friends the goodie bag shouldn't matter. I would just give the girl the 4th goodie bag. That's how I work it.

boyohboyohboy replied: I think since Ben already knows about the goodie bag, its ok to give it to him.
maybe you can take Ben to the dollar store and let him make a little bag for the 5yr old girl? If you get the chance out of ear shot of the kids, I think it would be ok to make some comment about her using you for a ready made babysitter, when you didnt invite sibblings....
But I agree that its not fair to punish the little girl who will already feel weird at a party for boys younger then her, and she probably wont have as much fun as it is. Maybe if you see her before the party, even ask her to stay and be with her kids, usually people who bring siblings are expected to stay and help watch the kids...you are focused on a party...not babysitting.
Good luck..I hope Ben has a great time! You sure have had a run of bad luck lately...

Farelle replied: Get her a goodie bag!!!! This past xmas we decided not to exchange gifts with my husbands cousin....then he showed up with something small for my boys and I didn't have anything for his 5 year old daughter......BAD BAD BAD!!! She asked me all night why I forgot about her and then finally cried!! Better to be safe than sorry, you don't want to go through what I did. By the end of the night I was ready to give her the keys to my car!!

Farelle replied: Get her a goodie bag!!!! This past xmas we decided not to exchange gifts with my husbands cousin....then he showed up with something small for my boys and I didn't have anything for his 5 year old daughter......BAD BAD BAD!!! She asked me all night why I forgot about her and then finally cried!! Better to be safe than sorry, you don't want to go through what I did. By the end of the night I was ready to give her the keys to my car!!

lovemy2 replied: I say either go to the Dollar Store and make a little girlie goodie bag or just buy her a little Barbie or something little - as a token thought - it isn't the little kids fault the mother is a butt....

That seems to be my new word for people that peeve me - BUTT

Cece00 replied: I'd make a small girl bag, its not the child's fault. Since you hopefully will not be dealing with her again, one time would annoy me, but not enough to say anything. However, should you have to deal with her again and this arises, I would say something the next time.

ETA: This is why I dont give out goodie bags anymore. #1- more work for me. #2- this has happened to me before and I feel bad and #3- I hate getting them at parties. They always have cheap toys & candy & BUBBLES and crayons & inevitably make a mess in my house & my kids want to eat a crapload of candy.

mom21kid2dogs replied: In addition to what others have said (make her up a small goodie bag), I thought I'd let you know this IS the new norm apparently. It falls into the same bad manners category as not RSVP'ing and showing anyway. Be glad you knew ahead. Olivia had two unannounced and uninvited sibs at her party. We were doing a craft and were scrambling to come up with pumpkins for them to decorate. Luckily we had gotten a few real pumpkins (the craft ones were the nice carveable fake ones) over the weekend and used those. We didn't do goodie bags since they had a craft to make & take. It's a pain but it has happened to everyone I know who hosts kid parties. It doesn't seem to phase people if you only address it to the invited party or include a no additional guests, please statement. It IS annoying, though.

gr33n3y3z replied:
thats what we always did also

luvbug00 replied: I agree with two of the answers already given

Kaitlin'smom replied: This is why I always have more than I need, you never know about people and lack of manners to show up without RSVPing or bringing siblings. Kailtin only gets a goodie bag if there is extra, she helps put them together and hands them out with a thank you for comming.

Crystalina replied: I didn't read the responses so excuse me if I'm repeating anyone but what about just running down to the dollar store? Izabella is 6 and has no problem picking out little crappy things there. For $5 you can throw something together for her. They always have girly stationary and pens and little trinkets like that.

I hate when parents do that. I'm sure she needs a sitter or something.

coasterqueen replied: Didn't get to read all the responses, but are all the kids coming boys? If so give them the bags you already have and get her a girlie bag. Then just tell her you thought she'd want more girlie stuff and that is why hers is different.

Crystalina replied: Ok, I just read the entire thread. Some parents are just rude. I would say in the future put on the invites that "no siblings please due to limited space and acivities." Use a bold red Sharpie just to make sure it's seen. This is definately a "I'm getting a free babysitter" ordeal. That just bites my butt.

**ETA**
I do agree it's not the little girls fault. She can't help her mothers rudeness.

mom21kid2dogs replied:
Hmmmm . . .my experience with this has been way different. Because we start with the parties so young these days, at least in my area of the world, parents usually come and stay for the party as well so they aren't dropping their kids off for babysitting. Lots of little kids won't stay without a parent and some parents (like me) would never leave their under 5 child at any party unaccompanyied by a parent. I totally agree, though, it's a poor excuse to drag a sib along. If you can't make other arrangements for the sib, you shouldn't attend.

Crystalina replied:
This just happend at a bowling party Izabella was invited to. We (meaning dh, Evan and I) stayed and bowled a few isles down. We stayed away enough that we weren't "with" the party but at the same time I could see Izabella and what was going on. We saw many parents walk their kids in, hand over the gift, give a quick hug goodbye and leave. I could never do that. These kids are in Kindergarten! Not only that it was a party in a public place! I would be darned if I would leave my kid there. When we were done bowling (before the party was really over) DH, Evan and I just played arcade games, had a hot dog and sat around. We were stalking the party.

MyBrownEyedBoy replied: Okay, maybe this isn't the most popular answer I've ever given, but I would call the mom and tell her that the party is for Ben and his friends. Not their siblings. You could do it in a polite manner and tell her that due to space constraints, you have limited his party to only 3 children. If she's bringing along the daughter because she can't find childcare for a few hours, then ask that she please bring some things to keep her daughter occupied. You should not be expected to provide favors for a child you didn't invite. Now, sharing cake and ice cream is a bit different as there is usually more cake than you need. But I wouldn't feel obligated to give her a goodie bag.

jcc64 replied: IDK, is it really worth the rift and/or tension to castigate this woman for bringing her dd? Is it bad manners to bring the kid, perhaps, but maybe she can't afford a sitter? It happens all the time here, and I always make a few extra goody bags just for this reason. Unless you're making extravagant gift bags, what does it really cost you versus the bad feelings that would ensue if you made a big deal about it or deliberately cut the little girl off? As Kimberly said, it's not her fault that her mom has bad manners.
Party etiquette in general is pretty loose these days. Btdt with people who don't RSVP- I rarely if ever get more than a handful of people that actually respond. It makes it really tough to plan, but if anything, it forces me to make the parties more casual, which in the end, is not such a bad idea anyway.

Maddie&EthansMom replied:
This is what I think...even if you aren't going to see her again...you really don't want to burn your bridges.

I probably have a different take on things since Scotty works all the time..If a party is on a saturday (or a wedding/baby shower) I just can't go if I can't take both kids. There's no way I would pay for a sitter so my child could attend someone else's birthday party on top of buying a gift. (I never leave my children at someone else's home without me being there) When we have parties for our kids, we invite the whole family to make it easy on everyone.

Maybe I read your original post wrong, but didn't she call and ask you if she could bring her daughter and you told her yes?

Sam & Abby's Mom replied: I'd get the girl a token gift bag with some cute, inexpensive stuff.

lisar replied: I say go to the dollar store and make her a little small girlie gift bag. I know if she is only 5 she wont understand and its not her fault her moms a butt.

PrairieMom replied:
No, she e-mailed me and basically told me that she was going to bring her. I offered to go pick the little boy up myself so she wouldn't have to bring the daughter too, but she didn't want to do that.
I am basically a very non-confrontational person. I will be annoyed with her in silence. In my deffence, this is not the first time this mother had been rude, AND I sent out the invitations over a month ago giving her PLENTY of time to find another option for her daughter.
I will be giving her the 4th goody bag, and hopefully Benjamin can except that they are for his guests, and he has plenty of other gifts. He is only 4 tho, so I am expecting drama.

I agree that this poor little girl doesn't deserve to be singled out. none of this is her fault. Her mom is a bonehead tho. I am really thankful that Benjamin and this other boy will be in separate classes next year.

jcc64 replied: It's a tough thing, Tara, when your kid makes friends with someone whose parents you aren't fond of. But get used to it- you're just at the beginning of his little social universe. It seems more important at Ben's age- as they get older and parents become less central to their social lives, it becomes less of an issue.